Have you ever had a moment in life that has made you question the direction that you are headed? A moment when, you are going through all of the motions to be a good person, to be a good mother/father, co-worker, family member but you keep falling short? Has anyone ever told you that you are not “good” enough? Have you ever felt like you weren’t going to make anything of yourself? Has anyone ever made you feel like you were a burden? Have you ever question your direction?
Today, I was sitting in church asking myself some of these questions. What am I doing? Am I going to church for the right reasons? Am I a hypocrite (probably)? I think a lot of times I find myself in church because it is what I am supposed to do. I act how I am “supposed” to act. I say what I am “supposed” to say… (sometimes, I mean I do talk a lot so sometimes I say too much, I say the wrong things etc..) When I opened myself up to the thought of what I was doing here is what I came up with.
First, church for me is not just a building it is a “people” a group or gathering of other people who believe the same as me. Sitting in church for me is where I connect my spirit to that of my savior. I lose my way all the time throughout the week I need to be filled back up on Sunday. I am in NO WAY a perfect person or a perfect Christian. However, I have a desire in my heart to impact other people in a positive way. I have a desire in my heart to openly love people through my words and actions. Often times for me words come so much easier than my actions. Loving other people is so much easier for me when I am connected to God. I go to church out of OBEDIENCE. I go to church to remind myself that I am on a journey and I need to enjoy the journey because the destination is death. I want to KNOW that I allowed God to work through me to affect change in other peoples hearts. I want to serve Gods purpose for my life so that when I die and meet God I can look at him with confidence. I never gave up on the assignments that he gave me. I failed at some but I picked myself up every day and tried again. I tried to use the mouth he gave me to serve him. I tried to use the eyes he gave me to see through what someone looks like on the exterior and look further. See their insecurities, strengths and love them to the best of my ability for the length of time that I am allowed to.
When I came to know God I was doing all the right stuff but for all the wrong reasons. I remember the way he “courted” me. I say that because looking back now it kind of makes me laugh but he really did come alongside me quietly at first. God has a sense of humor ya’ll. If you have ever wondered why certain people are funny it is because he is and we are all made in his image. Example: Once, before I knew God personally my daughter knew him VERY WELL. She would put the Christian station on in the car and I (being the non-filtered person I am) would look at her and say, “Makenna, we are NOT even Christians, why do you insist on listening to this?” As I changed the channel on my 12 year old daughter! Talk about a hot-mess, that was me. God tried so hard to get me to just stop and listen but I just wouldn’t. So, one day this song comes on the radio (my channel not Makenna’s). I LOVE words (clearly) so I start listening to this song over and over. I was OBSESSED with this song. I bought the album and brought it over to my friends, to share it, because it was so powerfully, worded. She looked at me and said isn’t this a Christian band? I’m like NO! I am not a Christian I wouldn’t buy a Christian album. God was probably rolling over in a FULL belly laugh because that band was most CERTAINLY a Christian band. ” Fly on a wall” by 1000 Foot Krutch was the song in case you want to listen. That was just one of the many times God used my children to get my attention while allowing me to EAT my own words and question my direction. Why was I so hell bent on not being a Christian?
I am saying all of that because I too was once a woman with no direction. I found God and found my purpose. I made a promise to God that if he would show me what I was good at I would never give up trying to walk toward it and serve him at the same time. He was faithful and guided me toward becoming more creative. He filled me with words and put thoughts into my head. He knew that I would do something with the words and the thoughts because he grew me Creatives are the people who think outside of the box and are deeply feeling individuals. They can take something from nothing and create something that never existed. A song, an image, a book, a dance it all begins from one thought. A thought that burns inside of you until it is outwardly expressed via words, images or movement. See God created each of us specifically he designed us. He chooses our parents and they choose all of the situations that shape you into an adult human. If my upbringing was all rainbows and butterflies I would have never learned what it takes to find peace inside of a struggle. Inside of struggle is where you gain strength. Without adversity you will never have understanding. Without chaos you really never know peace. If my mom didn’t have to struggle so hard to raise me I would’ve never made it through my own teenage pregnancy. I would’ve buckled at the mere thought of becoming mother. Just remember if you have experienced some sort of trail or tribulation that you may have experienced it to create some piece of character that you were lacking. You may need that experience to complete you. You should look at pressure and stress as a chance to become who you were created to be. Think of the lotus blossom rising from muddy water and blooming at the top. Think of how a diamond is created. Think of how a pearl becomes a pearl. It all starts with one small grain of sand, for me the sand comes in the form of a thought. Perhaps your journey is like mine and you can learn to use your whole life to fulfill his purpose or calling.
The purpose that I have found in my career is to use my “GOD GIVEN” strengths to create for other people. Not to just create a pretty picture but to create an intimate situation. A chance for someone to be known by looking at their image. An image that is directly connected to their creator. I am a deeply feeling person and I am not afraid of my own emotions. I get to use that emotion inside of everything that I get to create. When I create for new mothers I get to celebrate life, creation, newness and love. When I get create something from a thought. I am able use everything that I have went through in my entire life and project it onto or into another persons image. I hope that I get to spend the rest of my life spreading Gods love, stopping time and creating intimacy for other people. My favorite definition for the word intimate is to know and be known. It is what we all strive for in life to be known and to know. I find my purpose in teaching others how to be known, to be seen, and to be loved. I just get to do it in an unconventional way. What is your purpose?